Why are witches good at farming?
Because they love occult-ivation.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
Which is a Ghost’s favourite cheese? Ghoul-da Cheese.
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
What did the Japanese skeleton put in his sushi?
Bone-ito flakes.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
Beauty is only pig skin deep
This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves.
They are Self Raising.
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.
I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
What do you call a group of politically similar crows?
A cawcus
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
Which city do hamsters live in?
Hamsterdam.
Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
What do you call ten arctic hares hopping backward through the snow?
A receding hare line.
“Look out for Santa Paws!”
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
What type of car did the mushroom drive by in? A spores car.
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.
Go to BabaMail
