How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice burg-ers.
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck.
What did the giant octopus say to the pirate ship?
- What’s Kraken?
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.
What do llamas always reply when you thank them?
No probllama.
Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.
Why do trolls live under bridges?
To troll goats!
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
Having a ball this weekend with my best friends
Tis the sea-sun.
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
Why do gorillas have really big fingers?
Because they have really big nostrils!
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"
"No. I'm a tad-pole."
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
My DJ friend took my advice and simplified his salad recipe.
he dropped the beet.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
What sound do 8 sheep make?
Octo-bah.
The goal nine yards
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
What's the opposite of a positive crocodile?
A negator
We make a great pear
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
What do you call the Greek God of Mexican chickens?
Apollo
A person who only loves himself and waffles in the entire world is an Eggomaniac.
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
My wife and I went hiking and got lost. I lost my temper and she was so upset she threw the map at me.
Now I know where we stand.
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
Who puts money under a deer’s pillow when they lose a tooth?
The hoof fairy.
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