What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
“I love you from head to mistletoe.”
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
Girls just wanna have sun.
An electrocuted turtle feels shell-shocked.
"Some bunny loves you."
Do You Know How Crabs Get Around On Land?
They Use The Sidewalk!
Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.
What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.
"Eggs love you."
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
Which Nordique great has recurring ligament problems? Peter Spaz-knee!
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
I asked my Italian grandfather if the rougher parts of Italy were called the spaghetto.
His look was pasty.
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
A gang of ravens scared off individual crows and cornered them together. Well, you can say that a conspiracy of ravens preplanned a murder of crows.
Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
How do you get into the mush-room? Ring the porta-bella.
"I'm so egg-cited for Easter."
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake. He said, “Well spotted”.
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
How do you offer a camel tea?
"One hump or two?"
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better
In spite of all restrictions because of Covid, diplomats are allowed to travel freely across countries.
Because they have immunity.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
"What an egg-citing day."
Don't worry, bee happy!
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