Who cleans all the mess created by beavers after their beach trip? Mer-maids.
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
Denise sees the fleece,
Denise sees the fleas.
At least Denise could sneeze
and feed and freeze the fleas
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
How can astronauts get more protein in their diet? They make it meteor.
Did you hear about the ocean and sea having a baby?
It was a buoy!
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.
What do you call a large colorful pile of leaves?
The Great Barrier Leaf.
I love when you coddle me.
Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
The chocolate couple decided to rent a two bedroom sweet for their summer honeymoon.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what can you make out of a banana?
Slippers!
What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?
A battering R.A.M.
What do you call a bully on Halloween? A jerk-o-lantern.
"You bake me crazy."
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
My DJ friend took my advice and simplified his salad recipe.
he dropped the beet.
How Rudolf you to say that!
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
Why can’t a rooster ever get rich?
Because he works for chicken feed.
Did You Hear About The Duck With A Drug Problem?
He was a quackhead.
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.
After the guy broke his arm skiing, he realized it was all downhill from there.
What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea.
That rainbow is so neat, it must be professional gradient.
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
Why don't gnomes tell secrets in the garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus, the beanstalk!
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
Why do criminals hate coins?
Because half of them are coppers.
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
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