My love for you is like no otter.
Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.
When you go to the wolf hotel just around the corner, you will meet this huge, moustached wolf who always says, “howl may I help you?” as if he has no other words to us!
Which hulking left-winger could body-slam The Giant? Dave Andre-chuck.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
I'm snow bored.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
What happens to elves who misbehave?
They get the sack.
Did you hear the horse and the pig are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship.
What did the fruit lover say after he met a girl?
I’ve got a date
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
Q: Why did the little clouds idolize the big cloud?
A: Because he was the raining champion.
What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.
Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.
I only like smooth leather
and my opinion will never be suede.
Hermit crabs’ house phones were always shell phones
My two pet crabs have very different personalities. One is always in a good mood, but the other can be a bit of a grump.
Their names are crabA and crabB
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.
How do hot dogs greet each other? They say “give me some skin!”
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.
"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.
"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"
His family was astounded, and asked where it was fried originally.
"In Grease, of course."
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
I woke up in the middle of the night and found all the blankets on my bed were missing.
I was scared sheetless.
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
Why did the frog go to the bank with a gun?
He wanted to robbit.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
If two vampires have a race, will it be neck and neck?
I can't believe I can't see the bottom of the ocean.
It's unfathomable.
Summer went swimmingly this year.
I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster
The bartender asks one of The Beach Boys what they’d like, so he looks back to his friends
“Get a round?” “Round?” “Round?” “I’ll get a round!”
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
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