Q. Will a sensible stag do something dangerous to impress a doe?
A. No, not even on a deer.
Beavers are the best at getting things done on riverbanks. They have their own waves of working.
I just got an adorable baby goat, but it can’t bend its legs.
The vet said it’s a cute kid knee disorder.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
How Rudolf you to say that!
What did the Easter Bunny say to its partner? We make one egg-celllent couple.
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
What does the pope eat during lent? Holy mackerel!
Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner
Grammar Nazis for math should be called Fibbonazis.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.
What did Mars tell to Saturn? Give me a ring sometime!
I heard Medusa looked really pretty.
In fact, her looks were stunning.
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
What do you get when you cross a ghost with a chicken?
A poultry-geist.
I asked a pink bird who its favourite artist was. It looked at me strangely and replied “Flamingo Starr, of course.”
You’re my lucky charm.
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
What do you say when the beach asks you to walk on it?
Shore
What kind of jewelry do witches wear?
Charm bracelets.
What’s a bats favorite desert?
I-Scream!
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
"Egg-ceedingly good, wouldn't you say?"
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?
Swimming trunks!
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
This autumn, the garden told the mower to leaf him alone in peace.
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