What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
Why didn’t Guns N Roses turn up for the gig when it was snowing?
Axel Froze.
Q. Where do red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet crayons like to go hiking?
A. Colorado.
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? Look for the grey hares.
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell.
Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm? He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
What's a bats favorite desert? I-Scream!
What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
You get as far away as possible.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
What kind of music do goats listen to?
Baaa-ch!
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
If Jim has 15 watermelons and throws one at Mary, what does Mary have?
“A really bad headache!”
Why don’t leprechauns run?
They’d rather jig than jog.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
What did Frankenstein say when he was struck by lightning?
Great! A jolt to the bolt!
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
That look soots you.
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
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