What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
What’s a deer’s go-to ice cream flavor?
Cookie-doe.
Let me tell you about my grandfather. He was a good man, a brave man. He had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
Q. What did the bully do to the orange?
A. Beat him to a pulp.
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
Which violation do ghosts get called for the most in basketball?
Ghoul tending.
Why can’t a Christmas tree sew? It keeps dropping its needles.
What do you call a cloud that looks like a mermaid?
Aerial.
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
When you cross a magician and an airplane, the result is a flying sorcerer.
What did you just call me? Just because we’re Dark Chocolate does not give you the right to call us “Snickers”.That’s OUR word.
What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.
I feel pretty shore this is going to be the best summer yet.
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
What do frogs do with paper?
Rip-it.
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.
If you ever own a koala as a pet, make sure you can keep track of it by putting a koalar around its neck.
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
I read Reims of info before I got here, but nothing can prepare you for how beautiful this place is.
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.
Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
The other day a tree asked for my help with kindling a grass route movement.
I said I wood because it's got a lot growing for it.
What do you get when you cross a vampire bat and a computer?
Love at first byte.
Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
I want anarchy
Because my keyboard is missing one.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
How do you spot a deer behind you? With hind-sight!
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
The graphic designer's present company gave her a substantial raise while a rival company also gave a similar offer. I am now caught in hue minds!
Why was the shy guy terrible at baseball?
He never got to third base.
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups.
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