What do you call someone who rips up books?
A tear-orist.
Football pitches are almost always so wet. This is because soccer players dribble a lot.
I personally think bunnies are ear-resistible.
What’s black and white and yellow?
A cowardly panda.
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
What is Santa's favorite breakfast food? Snow-flakes.
Besides eucalyptus leaves, what is a koala bear’s favorite vegetable? Koalaflower.
What do racehorses eat?
Fast food.
What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...
Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum
After the Moroccan scored a Hat-trick, the players gathered for the fez-off.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.
An Australian chess player went into a restaurant and ordered food. After having his food , the waiter asked him "Cash or Credit , Sir?"
He said "Cheque , mate."
What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
Talk literary to me.
Who’s a llama’s favorite pop singer?
Llama Del Ray.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.
What do you say when the beach asks you to walk on it?
Shore
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
It’s worth a shot.
I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!
It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.
Talk Abbottabad place to hide.
Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was in the sky?
I guess you can say the baby was airborne
What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
What do you call a person really crazy about the moon
A lunatic.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
Why did the larger car go first?
It had the right of weigh.
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
A seahorse.
What do you call an old snowman? A creek.
What do you call a cold, angry pig? A ham-brr-grr.
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
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