I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
Why are wintertime fortune tellers so reliable?
They can see what is mitten in the stars.
What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
A flamingo only ever asks for a plaster when it hurts its pinky.
What's a zombie's least favorite quiz question?
A no-brainer.
What’s a llama’s favorite drink?
Llamanade.
What did the beaver say to his girlfriend?
Chew make me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.
Why do grizzlies never look sad?
Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
I read Reims of info before I got here, but nothing can prepare you for how beautiful this place is.
What’s the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?
One’s a crusty bus-station, the other’s a busty crustacean.
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
What’s a dolphin’s favorite constellation?
The Big Dipper!
The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.
What does a vampire do after taking a shower?
It stands on a bat mat.
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"
Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"
What animal could Noah not trust?
Cheetah
What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.
He is Polly-Amorous.
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
There was a minimum of cinnamon in the aluminium pan.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
Star Warts.
Why do wine lovers guzzle down vine humor?
Because wine jokes are a barrel of laughs.
Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.
Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
Let’s take an elfie.
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