Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice
I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Froze-T.
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
Flamingos are great at surfing the internet. I think it’s because they have webbed feet.
One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
My neighbor was walking across the street while carrying the game Scrabble then suddenly dropped it, leaving the game board and pieces on the ground.
I said: “Hey Jeff! What’s the word on the street?”
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
Beach, please.
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
I beacha miss summer already!
What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.
What does a chicken need to lay an egg every day?
Hen-durance.
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
A werewolf that is confused on what to wear is not a dumb one, instead it is a what-to-wear-wolf.
Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."
Why does Moon goes to the bank? To change his quarters.
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
What’s a goat’s favorite TV show?
America’s Goat Talent.
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
We've been driving all day, I need a brake.
My suitcase started crying when I picked it up. I was carrying emotional baggage.
What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The Bogeyman.
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
I had the best ice pun to tell you…
Problem is, it slipped my mind.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"
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