How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
What is a flower’s favorite Journey song?
Don’t stop be-leafing.
What do you call donating a chair?
Charity!
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
What do dogs eat for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
You are shrimply the best!
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
I have the final sleigh.
What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
What do you call an elf who won’t share?
Elfish.
The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.
Jellyfish and peanut butterare sea turtles favorite sandwich.
I threw water on a flamingo the other day
Now it's just an O.
This is snow laughing matter!
What’s something a kangaroo has that no other animal has?
Baby kangaroos.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!
Q. Where do red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet crayons like to go hiking?
A. Colorado.
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
"It's wine o'clock."
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
What part of the military do zombies serve in?
The marine corpse.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
My heart is like an onion...
I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
What did one sushi roll say to the other sushi roll?
I’m soy into you.
Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
Go to BabaMail
