What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."
Why do bananas have to wear sunscreen?
Because they peel.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
Where is the Ghost’s bedroom located? Down the Hall-oween.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
What did the pun mom say to the new pun dad?
We have a pun in the oven!
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
I'd want to know why the winters are so cold in America. I think Alaska local.
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
The food here is quite so-fish-ticated.
What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!
Why won’t the mushroom buy a couch? - He prefers toadstools.
A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.
What is a polar bear’s favorite snack?
Brrrrrittos.
Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.
How do trees get on a computer?
They just log in.
What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.
What happens when you run behind a bus?
You get exhausted.
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
If you have a line of 100 rabbits in a row and 99 of them take 1 step backwards, what do you have? A receding hare line.
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."
Who gives crocodiles presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body.
In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."
Why shouldn’t you grab a werewolf by its tail?
It might be the werewolf’s tail but it could be the end of you!
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
If you were in the jungle, and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
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