What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
A flamingo can be a really good friend to have. However, they generally fit the bill really well.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A mechanic.
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
Why did the panda’s joke suck?
It was unbearable.
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
Why are kangaroos so qualified to be teachers?
Because they’re kan-gurus.
In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.
What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!
- Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today?
- Not much, just working on my Theseus.
Why couldn’t the clownfish buy a house?
The fish could not buy a house because he didn’t have an-e-mon-e!
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.
What do you call a group of lions partying on ships in Gibraltar?
A strait pride parade.
What's the best way to avoid eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers? Quit cold turkey.
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
I’m icing the kicker – and by kicker, I mean beer.
What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.
What happens when you run behind a bus?
You get exhausted.
Why did the troll kiss the witch?
To keep her busy in love!
Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
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