[Water Slide] I was going to get some work done, but I decided to let it slide.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
What will you do when you will see a spaceman? You will simply park your car, man!
Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
I'd want to know why the winters are so cold in America. I think Alaska local.
Broken pencils are pointless.
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
What is a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
Did Texas survive last week's winter storms?
Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrly.
What fish like to fly?
Flying Fish
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
Stealthy minotaurs are always camooflauged.
What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
I like to tell this one joke about homemade bombs
But it always blows up in my face.
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away?
Now wait just a doggone minute.
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
What did the horse reply when asked if it would try water polo?
“I would dapple.”
What do worms leave round their baths?
The scum of the earth!
Why did the tiger visit the eye specialist after dropping a can of red paint on himself? He saw red.
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
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