Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
Why didn’t the baby leave his momma?
Because he couldn’t bear it!
Are you a big fan of beef? I am. In fact, I could eat it until the cows come home.
Why wasn't the jogger all that bummed out when his girlfriend broke up with him?
'Cause they had a good run.
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
What do you call a Spanish Goat with no hind legs?
Gracias
What is a zombie's favorite kind of weather?
Brainstorms.
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
Four types of weather were having a race. Sunny won gold, cloudy got silver, snowy picked up a bronze, and rainy won a precipitation award.
Why did they take Polly away?
He went crackers!
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
What do you call a bee you can't understand? A mumble bee.
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
What do zombies eat for dessert?
Eyes cream.
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
Fairies just spell trouble.
Do you want to know what you get when you cross a newborn snake with a basketball? Really! Ooh you will end up with a bouncing baby boa.
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
So I asked Satan if he had any milk I could drink...
He told me "No whey in Hell!"
[Water Slide] I was going to get some work done, but I decided to let it slide.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
Did you hear about the misbehaving unicorn? Sure, but I never though that these creatures could get so horny.
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
What do you call twin baby kangaroos?
Roo-mMates!
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
What happens when Greeks come back from war?
They get a gyro’s welcome.
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?
They were Fascistanating.
When I went to highschool in Italy my classmates were one year older than me.
I Skipped pasta grade.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
"Love the wine you're with."
In grammar you shouldn’t do double negatives.
It’s a no no.
Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
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