Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
What is a dog’s favorite pick-up line?
You must be my backyard… because I dig you
Vampires are too easy to play jokes on. Suckers.
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.
A person who only loves himself and waffles in the entire world is an Eggomaniac.
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.
What was the scariest prehistoric animal? The Terror-dactyl!
What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.
It’s forever burned in her mammary.
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
You didn't hear the joke about cell phones?
Probably because it had a bad reception.
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.
There is nothing impaws-sible if you’re as brave as a tiger!
What did the horse reply when asked if it would try water polo?
“I would dapple.”
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
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