You octopi my thoughts.
What did the dolphin say to its friend who wouldn’t stop lying?
Stop spouting nonsense!
Why did the Ghost turn down the job? He could not see himself doing it.
What do you call donating a chair?
Charity!
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.
I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
After his meal, the cannibal wipes his mouth and says: “My wife cooks the greatest soup in the world. But I will miss her so much.”
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.
What martial art does Earth know?
Geo-Jitsu.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
What do pups eat in Italy?
Pawsta.
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
What do you get when you dump your Easter eggs on a hill?
A spring roll!
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Alligators can live up to 100 years…
Which is why there’s a chance that they will see you later.
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
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