What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter?
More-soup-y’all?
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
I was conned into believing that my hotel room in Moscow had free Wifi.
I remember the ad saying: Internyet.
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
What do moon people do after they get married?What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honeyearth.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
It was so hot that the bee's perm had become extremely unmanageable, so she turned into a frizzbee.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
Bad spelling makes me sic.
What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.
Djokovic to his friends the morning after winning the U.S. Open: Is anyone hungry for some Denny’s? Because I would like another Grand Slam.
What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Why do Bigfoots like to tell jokes?
Because they're killer comedians.
Why did the larger car go first?
It had the right of weigh.
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
A friend of mine is his team's best footballer on paper. Unfortunately, they play most of their games on grass.
What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun!
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
The Azteca Stadium in Mexico has been so neglectfully maintained that there are foot-long grasses on the pitch. Now we call it the Grass-teca Stadium.
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
I’m rooting for you!
What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.
My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.
Why are skeletons so good at chopping down trees?
They're LUMBARjacks!
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
What kind of person would sell someone a sham-rock?
A lepre-con!
“Elves are always defending the shape of their ears. They make some good points.”
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
Where do restless travelers like to go?
To Rome.
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
Are you addicted to the ocean and ocean life?
If you are, sea kelp
Go to BabaMail
