What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
What’s the difference between a fly and an eagle?
An eagle can fly but a fly cannot eagle.
I couldn't chair less!
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
A prankster played a really dark and dim-witted joke at the theatre. He turned off the lights.
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
My kid’s toy submarine was having trouble staying under water...
I hope this will not surface again
What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
Why are tomatoes the slowest vegetable?
Because they can’t ketchup.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear!
I get a real kick out of you.
What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
Who was the criminal crow running from? The cawps.
What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing? “I’m not a people porcine.”
In my friend's house, I saw an onion ring. So, I picked it up and answered it.
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!
What is the similarity between a male deer and a beaver? Both have buck teeth.
What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
How can you tell that vampires love baseball?
They turn into bats every night.
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
An ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants.
‘’Euripides’’ says the tailor. ‘’Yeah, Eumenides?’’ replies the man.
What makes your mouth sad?
A tongue depressor.
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
What do you call unwanted revealing comments about a movie?
Spoilers.
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."
What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
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