What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
Why do ghosts like elevators? They raise their spirits.
I just flew on a plane with an all female flight crew.
It was an....unmanned aircraft.
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
Why did the witch fall off her broom mid-flight?
She had a fainting spell!
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
Why did the bunny cross the road? He wanted to prove he could hip hop!
What’s black and white with red spots?
A panda with the measles.
What do you get when a dinosaur walks through the strawberry patch? Strawberry jam.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
The goal nine yards
How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
Why was the horse feeling a bit sick?
Its voice was a bit hoarse.
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
Is your eyesight as bad as your cell phone reception? Because that was a terrible call.
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.
What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
Taco Bell overcooked my food
I asked for a brrrr-ito and an en-chill-ata.
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes.”
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!
Q. What did Ena say after Bambi was killed by a semi truck?
A. He will be dearly missed.
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
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