What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
How do you call stage diving at Oktoberfest?
Krautsurfing.
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
A mean crook going down stairs = A condescending con, descending
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.
I am now looking at a long sentence.
I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
What is a car’s favourite bug?
A beetle.
Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.
What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.
What is a flower’s favorite Journey song?
Don’t stop be-leafing.
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
Visitors are Doolin over these gorgeous views.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
What's a werewolf's favorite mode of transport?
A lunar cycle.
Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?
Make them stub their toe.
What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
What sound drum set from the junkyard makes?
Ba-dump-tss
Ireland is pitcher perfect.
If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
Cherries are the worst soft fruits to watch scary movies with. They spend the whole time hiding behind a cushion as they are cherrified.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
What do you get when you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.
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