What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
Shell-abrate the good times!
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
How did the calf’s final exam turn out?
Grade A.
What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"
Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
How will a crow with a cold fever sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph.
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?
It’s the clam before the storm.
What did God say to the polar bears when they told him they hate spring and summer?
Well, they can't all be winters.
What do fruit bowls say when they dress up as a ghost on Halloween? Be cherry afraid!
One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was hedging his bets.
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go on in pairs.
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
What do you call a bee that comes back from the dead?
Zombee
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
Why was the doctor’s favorite patient a cat? Because she has nine lives!
Being uncomfortable with any physical contact, I decided to rent the book “How to Hug” from the library.
Turns out it was Volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!
A crocodile tried to copy a rooster to wake his friends one morning, he went croc-a-doodle do.
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
Two trucks – one carrying strawberries and one carrying sugar – crashed. Drivers didn’t stop, and now the jam is getting thicker.
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.
What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?
- I want Samoa!
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.
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