Is it hard to count conifers? It’s as simple as one, two, tree!
Only a**holes use bidets.
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak?
Mouse code!
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
What do you get if you cross a chicken with an alarm?
An alarm cluck.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite toy?
A. A bab-boom-orang.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
What does a basketball player say when he misses?
Shoot!
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
What kind of werewolf can track down flowers ?
A bud hound
A lobster's favorite shot in tennis?
The lob.
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
Why are trees such great drivers? They always take the shortest root.
Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.
What is a polar bear’s favorite food?
Iceberg lettuce and snow peas.
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
Why could the Italian Chef not unlock his car?
He had Gnocchi.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
There was once a mountain biker who murdered everyone in his path because he was a clinical cycle-path!
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
How does a horse tow its trailer?
With a Ford Bronco.
What spread do astronauts use on their toast?
. . . Space jam
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
They’re really into green living.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn’t that funny So I just snickered.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.
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