When the onion band covered the song Waka Waka by Shakira, they started calling the song 'Walla Walla'.
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors.
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
How many middle-hitters do you need to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but the the setter has to put it perfectly in their hand first.
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
"Yoda one for me."
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
Did you hear about the new Wifi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.
What is a witch's favorite ride at the fair?
A scary-go-round.
How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!
What did the husband say when his wife told him he bought the wrong flowers?
"Oopsie daisy!"
I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
I'm considering becoming a cinematografur.
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
The scare crow was out standing in his field, so he got awarded as the best employee of the year.
What do you call a ghoul who sits too close to the fire?
A toasty ghosty.
What did Homer Simpson say when he saw a female deer?
“Doe!”
Did you hear the story of the little ghoul that grew up?
It became a headhunter!
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.
Why don't crabs give birthday presents?
Because they're just shellfish.
I like my matches like my tennis balls: Pressureless.
There was this bald guy at the bus
He seemed really lightheaded
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
My wife and my friends are sick of my puns about The Abominable Snowman.
Yeti keep cracking them.
Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Have you seen my lobster?
I'm worried he might by a lost claws.
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!
My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture
I have a hunch, it might be me.
What’s a horse’s favorite country singer?
Colt-on Underwood.
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