My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
What kind of jewelry do witches wear?
Charm bracelets.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
Fishing you a happy day.
You’re sledding a fine line there.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
Why don’t kangaroos make good sailors?
Because they’re always jumping ship.
Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
Swallowing a cherry stone is not the end of the world. It’s just one of life’s little pitfalls.
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
How do you know Frankenstein is tired?
He’s dead on his feet.
Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.
How do you shoot a three-headed ghoul?
Bang! Bang! Bang!
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug - although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty year old thug thought of that morning.
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring
The scientist time travels between summer and winter using his autumn-mobile!
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?
An ariel assault.
What do you get when you cross a ghost with a chicken?
A poultry-geist.
Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
What do you call a titan that can't swim?
Titanic.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
Be like a pineapple: wear a crown, stand tall, and be always sweet on the inside.
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
The weather's getting colder, I really fancy some hot croc-o-late.
When the theatre owner dies, his visitation hours are as follows: 1pm, 3pm, 6:30 pm, 9pm, and midnight.
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
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