Football is one habit I will never kick.
Son: “Hey Dad, can we go to the beach?”
Dad: “Shore?”
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
Why did the computer wear glasses?
To improve its web sight.
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Green is the most relaxed color in the rainbow, it's so jade back.
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
"Your kisses are to dye for."
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
What did the wife beaver say to her astronaut husband? You are otter this world.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
“You’re my soul Santa.”
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
Where do ghosts play volleyball at? At the volleyball corpse.
The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
What kind of cat works for the Red Cross? A first-aid kit!
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan?
Taco Bell.
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
Had beaver curry last night.
Bit like a normal curry, just a little otter.
When I arrived onset on a cloudy, dreary day, too many actors had been hired for the small part...
It was overcast.
Did You Hear About The Duck With A Drug Problem?
He was a quackhead.
What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink? Sets on the Beach.
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
What do you call a communist vampire?
A red blood count.
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