I love you and I ain’t lion.
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
I hopped on the bus yesterday afternoon. After a few minutes, the driver asked me to sit down like everyone else
When you go to the wolf hotel just around the corner, you will meet this huge, moustached wolf who always says, “howl may I help you?” as if he has no other words to us!
If I could change the periodic table, I would put Uranium and Iodine next to each other.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
Where do werewolves store their things?
In a were-house.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.
What does a heartbroken zombie say?
- I just want zombodie to love.
Keep calm and leprech-on.
How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
I really like the Lion King
and every day the urge to sing one of the songs is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull? On the bull the horns are in the front and the a***ole is in the back.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was InTents.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
Why did the fisherman start doing drugs?
Pier pressure.
Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
I'm currently dating a famous soccer player. He's so loving and caring towards me.
He's a keeper.
What kind of music group only makes songs for exercise programs?
A sweatband.
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
How do mountains hear?
with mountaineers.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
What do you call a mouse that doesn't eat, drink, or even walk? A computer mouse.
Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.
What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A tadpole.
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.
Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A steak out.
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
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