What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant
It was resolved with a Peas Treaty.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
Turtles that commit crime are sent to the shell-block.
If the wooden face mask was popularized by Jacques Plante, was the wooden
cup made popular by Jock Plank?
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
Love is also like a pineapple: They both are undefinable and sweet.
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
Q: What do you call a windmill swallowed up by a tornado?
A: A wind meal
What do you call a rifle that shoots salt?
A salt rifle.
I’m not a bad putter…
I just can’t catch a break.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
What is the king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Hail, of course!
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
Did you hear what happened to the Energizer Bunny? He got arrested for Battery.
Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
Set or be set. This is certainly the right way to look at things.
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.
Sips getting real.
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
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