I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
What soccer position does a pink flamingo play? Flamingoalie.
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Which frog has horns?
A bull frog.
What is a ghoul’s favorite snack food?
Ghoul scout cookies!
How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”
The peach started acting all funny because it was really fuzzy.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
So, if I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive
Would that mean I'm doing cloud computing?
Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture
I have a hunch, it might be me.
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
What kind of croc hangs out in back passages around town?
An Alley-gator.
The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.
Which Star Wars movie is a baseball player's least favorite?
The Umpire Strikes Back.
Why don’t cars enjoy long drives?
They find them a drag.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.
Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
When you finish the lemons that life gives you;
Sublime.
What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Can’t pinch this.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
I didn’t know you could vape a chocolate bar until my wife told me to stop inhaling them.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.
He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
Did you hear about the guy who was beaten by the King?
It’s a sore subject.
What is the difference between a ball hog and time?
Time passes.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
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