How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist
The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
"For peep's sake."
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
What do you call a Mexican unicorn? Junicorn.
Heard about the devoted beaver who crossed the turbulent river? He took a leap of faith!
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
My dads astronaut friend ate pizza in space
He said it was out of this world.
Easter and April Fools fall on the same day this year...
You could say it only happens once in a blue moon.
If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone’s favorite season? Fall.
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
Did you hear that cats have carried out a Coup in Barcelona and declared independence from Spain?
They're calling themselves the Republic of Catalo-nya.
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
For his birthday, the snowman wants a cake with lots of icing on it.
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
What does a beaver from Philly drink?
Wooder.
"The Full Moon is a natural furnomenon," said the werewolf.
Which soccer position does a Ghost play? Ghoulkeeper, of course.
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
Do you know what would happen when you throw a Finnish sailor into the ocean?
Helsinki.
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
Elephant boxing matches are very difficult to watch. It becomes tough to identify as both have grey trunks!
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
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