What do bats say to those they dislike? Good riddance to bat rubbish!
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo
I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
Both tournament directors published the schedule at the same time. It was a draw.
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? What a lavaly day!
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
After the guy broke his arm skiing, he realized it was all downhill from there.
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
Why do some zombies only eat the rich?
They are in the mood for something gore-met.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
What do you call a ghost who haunts fireplaces? A toastie ghostie.
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.
The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater!
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
What does goblin's blood consist of?
Hemogoblin.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.
Fairies just wand to have fun.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
Dad Bee left. Mama Bee calls out ...
Honeycomb home!
Stuck on what to get your Mum for Mother's Day?
Get her a fridge and watch her face light up as she opens it.
What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
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