Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
How to tell a car it has gained weight?
‘You have got Fiat.’
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
Why would an oreo cookie need to visit a dentist? To get a filling replacement.
What do you call two cookies from the same cookie sheet who fall in love? A batch made in heaven.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.
Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese.
What do you call a necromancer werewolf?
A dog with a bone.
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Polyurethane?
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
There was a bull in the neighborhood who would always vandalize my farm. Guess it was because I harvested Spanish onions.
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
"Will you accept this rosé?"
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
Why are trees such great drivers? They always take the shortest root.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
Why does Moon goes to the bank? To change his quarters.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein’s monster?
HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.
Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.
Where do fish stay on a campsite?
Fish stay in tentacles while they are camping!
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.
We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow? Nothing, it was feeling blue.
Why was the ghoul so smart?
He always ate brain food!
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