My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
Q: Why did the tiger eat the lamp?
A: He wanted a light lunch.
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
What do you get if you cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle neck jumper.
I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?
A furricane
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
What did the alligator say to the other alligator that was in the way?
“Please move, I need to get bayou.”
How do you know when a potato is in a bad mood? When they are acting salty
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but I was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.
I must have phoned Dial-a-Llama by mistake.
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
What's the hardest tea to swallow?
Reality.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
Best in snow.
Where does a fish keep his money In the River Bank!
What does a cow put on his French toast?
Moooolasses.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
Prepare to be bowled over.
[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.
What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.
Did you hear about the football team that drafted a vending machine?
They really needed a quarter back!
What do you say to a small onion that has helped you?
Thanks shallot.
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
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