When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!
What do you call a computer that plays tennis?
A server
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
I came, I thaw, I conquered.
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”
If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!
I’ll never leaf you.
What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
My heart is like an onion...
I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
What do you call a camel without humps?
Humphrey.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
Q: What kind of decisions do peaches make?
A: Fruitful ones.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? What a lavaly day!
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
How much wood could Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood? If Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood, how much wood could and would Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck? Chuck Woods' woodchuck would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as any woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice burg-ers.
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
Why don’t elephants go to the beach?
Because their trunks always fall down.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
Go to BabaMail
