What's brown and sticky? A stick.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
What do you call a rental car in Spain?
A Barceloaner.
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
I earned money by selling broth. Now I am a bouillonaire.
If you think Earth has too few human-animal hybrids, then it behooves you to become a centaur.
Why does water never laugh at jokes?
It isn’t a fan of dry humor.
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.
But she wasn't really Inuit.
What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.
What do ghouls eat for supper? Spooketi
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
Snow on and snow forth.
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
When I went to highschool in Italy my classmates were one year older than me.
I Skipped pasta grade.
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
How are baseball umpires and angry chickens alike?
Both make fowl calls.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
Tommy Tucker tried to tie Tammy's Turtles tie.
My friend told me all about his friend's girlfriend who was playing saxophone.
Apparently she was a saxy lady.
Why did DPD rush to Coors Field?
They heard somebody stole third base.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
I think you're mer-mazing.
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
What do you call a cow that plays the saxophone? A blues moo-sician.
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