Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
I love meat. I think going vegetarian would be a big missed steak.
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
The interesting the about engineering Toilet Paper.
It's an a-ply-ed science.
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
What is a zombie's favorite kind of weather?
Brainstorms.
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
What is the name of the car that passes through the narrow stream of the river? Fjord.
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
What do cats eat on hot days?
Mice cream.
What did the WiFi router say when it was unplugged?
"Tell my wifi love her
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
Now it has no friends.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
As the incessant rain washed away the blue paint of the house, the owner sighed and said, "Cyanara!"
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
Kids got me an Old-school Chemistry set for Father's Day...
... Totally in my Element.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.
Do you find bone puns humerus?
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
Why did the robot decide to go on a summer vacation?
To recharge!
Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.
What do you call a three-eyed tiger?
A tiiiger.
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever ?
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
What animal would you most like to be on a cold day?
A little otter...
What Do You Call A Duck That Steals?
A robber ducky.
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers!
How did the fire ant feel after the rain storm flooded his home?
Very put out, indeed!
I followed my heart to you.
You raise the bar.
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