A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!
What is a frog’s favorite drink on a hot summer day?
Croak-o-cola.
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
What do you call a skeleton snake?
A rattler.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.
Why are small dried up river beds so cool? Because they're ex-stream.
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.
A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
Why did the mouse eat a candle? For some light refreshment!
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
When it’s raining, a turtle goes to a shell-ter.
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.
What did the horse say when it saw a sheepdog?
“Why is your furlong?”
You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?
Wayne Regretzky
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
What do you call a person who illegally delivers hugs from country to country?
An international snuggler
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