Why can’t I ever win a game returning serve? Give me a break.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
What do donuts wear to weddings? Tuxe-doughs!
Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!
I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
Why did the teapot get in trouble? Because he was Naught-Tea.
If anyone gets a suspicious email from me about canned meat, don’t open it. It’s spam!
Why should you never tell jokes about radon, cobalt and yttrium? They are just too CoRnY.
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
"Whale, what do we have here?" said the mermaid.
How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.
I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.
What is a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
How do you know when a potato is in a bad mood? When they are acting salty
When Papa red wanted to have some toppings on his bread, he told Son red, "Pass me the crimson!"
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
A strawberry feels most comfortable in its py-jam-as.
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
The bartender asked the pirate, "Is that a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate replied"Aye! It's driving me nuts!"
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but I was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.
I must have phoned Dial-a-Llama by mistake.
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
Why should you be cautious of a Finnish submarine captain?
He’ll sink ye.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
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