What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo
The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.
What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
What type of elements know everybody on earth?
Met-all.
I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars.
It was an auto body experience.
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
What do you call a goat that’s lazy?
Billy Idle.
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux.
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
I have no idea how to raise chickens.
I think I’ll just wing it.
What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
What do you call a gorilla with no arms?
An ape-utee
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
What do you call a white skinned gorilla?
Honkey Kong.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun!
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A meltdown!
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.
Did you hear they are not making yardsticks any longer?
They’re not making them any shorter either.
How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?
Because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.
What happened to the cheery that showed up for the tomato auditions? He was called an imposter.
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
Why didnt the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
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