I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
A police officer knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bicycles what rubbish my dog doesn’t even own a bike.
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
What do you call a tooth in a glass full of water?
A one molar solution.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth.
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
I’m a wrapper, so I get a lot of dough. A bread wrapper, that is.
One mermaid said to the other, "I love your shell bracelet, can I Triton?"
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
Running mates.
My love for you is like no otter.
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
Why should anyone experiment with thin ice?
It’s the best way to achieve a major breakthrough.
What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
What’s the silliest name you can give a tiger?
Spot.
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
Tropic like it's hot.
My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
What do you see when an elephant hides behind a tree?
The trunks
Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!
What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.
If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
Have you ever seen a catfish? No, how did he hold the rod and reel?
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