Why does NASA give astronauts pencils to use in space?
Because they've got the Write Stuff.
The goal nine yards
What is one way to save money when you go to the lake?
Buy a “sale boat.”
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
What is a car’s favourite sport?
Soc-car.
What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? What a lavaly day!
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
She lays hand gren-eggs.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
What soccer position does a pink flamingo play? Flamingoalie.
I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep.
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.
Q. Which dinosaur species has deep blue-green feathers?
A. Teal-Rex.
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
Everyone wondered why Cinderella was such a bad player. If only they knew, her coach was a pumpkin.
I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.
Why did the bus driver eat a burger? He wanted to 'bus-t' his energy!
All vampires seem to have the same thing for their last meal. A stake.
My wireless keyboard isn't working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
I love spending koala-ty time with you.
I like big punts and I cannot lie
After hearing about my history major, my dad said, “You should go visit Italy in late August.Then you can witness The Fall of Rome."
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
Why are unicorns considered to be among the most impatient mammals? They’re quick to get to the point.
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
Did you hear about the croc and rooster that had a kid together?
It was a crocadoodledoo.
What song does a painter sing when he is in truly dire straits? Monet for Nothing.
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!
Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.
Girls just wanna have sun!
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Where do bats go to gamble?
Bat-lantic City.
Q. What did the bully do to the orange?
A. Beat him to a pulp.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.
Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
What do ponies look for in a vehicle?
Lots of horsepower.
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
What is the definition of art theft? A: The haul of frames.
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