What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!
What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZZZa.
Why did the lake date the river?
He heard that she had a bubbly personality.
What did the swimming pool say to the skimmer?
Leaf me alone!
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
Why are Ghosts in such good shape? Plenty of exorcise and a good die-t.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
I saved a tiny baby crow and now he won't leave, I guess you could say he's mi-cro.
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
How do blondes define hydrophobic on their school tests? A fear of utility bills.
What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
Llamanated.
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
The boot black brought the black boot back.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
Mermaids always drink mermosas.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
What happened when an icicle landed on the skier's head?
It knocked him out cold!
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.
Why is the ocean always on time?
She likes to stay current.
What do you call someone who lost her Marital arts tournament?
Divorced.
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs
Where do monkeys go to drink?
To the monkey bars.
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
what do you call the smaller rivers that run into the nile?
The juveniles
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
What do you call an alligator who is holding a compass?
A navigator.
How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
Why are coyotes howling in the night?
Because they can only see the cactuses in the day.
I’ve always been a trucker, but recently I applied for a job at Microsoft. I’ve heard they’re always looking for more drivers.
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
Is it true that a dinosaur won't attack if you hold a tree branch? That depends on how fast you carry it!
What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.
How do koalas stay in shape? They do bearobics.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
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