How did Poseidon greet the sea monster?
- Hey buddy, what's kraken?
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
What does a house wear?
Address.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Did you hear about the farm dog who liked to strip ears of corn?
He was part husky!
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”
The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
Why did the mummy get a divorce?
His wife was a ghoul-digger who was just after his mummy.
Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
We make a great pear
What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore?
A wreck-quiem.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.
What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
What kind of jewelry do witches wear?
Charm bracelets.
Its ok to kiss a nun....
But don't get into the habit.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
Where do gorillas keep their beehives?
Apeiaries.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
Why was the horse feeling a bit sick?
Its voice was a bit hoarse.
When it comes to seasonal drinks, more and more are converting to the church of pumpkin spice,
but I choose to remain eggnogstic.
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
What do you call a mosquito with a turbo?
A bug-hati.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
What’s a glow worms favourite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow!
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
We have a great connection since you’re wifi-material.
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
Aloha is a soft laugh.
What did the shark say to the whale?
What are you blubbering about?
What advice do ghosts give their children? Only spook when spoken to.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
How do mountains hear?
with mountaineers.
Why did the artist use the bathroom? Because she was consta-painted.
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
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