Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.
While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm. I decided to cyclone.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
How do you confuse a fish?
Put the fish in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
What do dogs and commas have in common? Dogs have claws at the end of their paws and commas are a pause at the end of a clause.
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
I have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth.
It only took me a minotaur two.
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
When the little unicorn got bullied at school, he told his pop-corn so he could do something about it.
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
Why aren’t trees competitive sports fans? They like to root for everyone.
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
I over boiled some venison broth earlier.
It was deerly mist.
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
Why are hot dogs angry? Because they are always getting roasted.
What is most gorillas' favorite book to study in English class at high school?
The Apes Of Wrath.
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
Challah if you see me in the streets. Will do.
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
“Why did they ask the turkey to join the band? He had the drum sticks.”
Which is the bar downtown that soccer players hate striking on? Crossbar.
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
Why didn’t the two algae ever have se*?
Because they had a planktonic relationship
It's weird being colorblind in an art gallery. Everything's a pigment of the imagination.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
"Have an egg-cellent Easter."
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
Why did the cookie monster rob the keebler elves? Because they had a lot of dough.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
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