What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
What dinosaur is always sad? Cryalotosaurus
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!
What do you call a wet teddy bear?
A drizzly bear.
This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves.
They are Self Raising.
What is a beaver's most favorite song ever? You made me a, you made me a beaver, beaver.
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
Why did God create Yogi bear?
Because on his first try he made a Boo-Boo.
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
What milk comes from Spain?
Soy Milk.
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.
I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...
That's probably going to come back to bite me later.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"
"No. I'm a tad-pole."
I personally think bunnies are ear-resistible.
What is a favorite game for ghouls?
Chase!
Why couldn’t the oak tree make friends? All of the other trees thought that he was a bit shady.
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
What’s a llama’s favorite movie?
Alpacalypse Now.
I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
What did the baby computer call its father?
Data.
What do you call a group of lions partying on ships in Gibraltar?
A strait pride parade.
If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
Where do horses go on vacation?
Flankfurt.
Where do fish sleep? In a river bed
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
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