What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
Why do dogs hate computers?
They can’t stick their heads out of those Windows.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!
I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
What do you call a guitar used to play pool?
A cue stick.
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
Why was the skeleton scared of the baby?
Because he was an ankle biter.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.
Today I donated my old basketball hoop to a school for the blind.
It will be missed.
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.
Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum? Because they can't afford new ones!
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
The beaver offered some freshly streamed buns to his guests.
I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.
What's a pun's best trait?
His pun-ctuality!
My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
Why was the burger sad after losing the race? Because the hotdog was the weiner.
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
Irish I may, Irish I might.
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker
Hop In.
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
Is tea with additional salt
Salt-tea?
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