What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars.
It was an auto body experience.
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer. Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.
What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Absolutely terrified!
51. What does a car yell when something goes wrong?
‘Jesus Chrysler!’
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
Q: What did the cloud say to the lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!
Why was the wheelchair basketball team banned from the Paralympics?
They all tested positive for WD-40.
Why do grizzlies never look sad?
Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.
I went into the library and asked for pint of milk. The librarian said 'this is a library'. So i whispered 'I'd like a pint of milk please'.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
What dinosaur is always sad? Cryalotosaurus
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!
What do you call a wet teddy bear?
A drizzly bear.
This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves.
They are Self Raising.
What is a beaver's most favorite song ever? You made me a, you made me a beaver, beaver.
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
Why did God create Yogi bear?
Because on his first try he made a Boo-Boo.
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
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