I’m in such a Henri to get to France!
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
What kind of person would sell someone a sham-rock?
A lepre-con!
Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
I hate windy weather. It really blows.
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice
It was cold hard cash.
Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
My friend learned Spanish by jotting sentences repeatedly...
He used wrote learning.
My dad always said the secret to theatre was to always leave them wanting more.
He was a great guy but a terrible anaesthetist.
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
What kind of shark is always gambling?
A card shark.
I'm fondue you, it's true
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
What medicine do you give to sick ants?
Antibiotics.
What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.
In Quebec they used to practise throwing the puck in the zone, and then
sitting back to wait for a turnover. But eventually the players were
criticized for this dump-and-chaise tactic.
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
A classically trainer theater performer just became a spy.
I guess you could say they perform... thespionage
One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
Why do bees stay in the hive during the winter?
Swarm.
What do you call a large gorilla who appears to be in a bad mood?
Sir.
What do French cars wear as hats?
Bonnets.
What do you call a pig who does karate?
A pork chop.
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
What do you call a guy who can't stop running along the beach?
Joggernaut.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
Many mumbling mice are making merry music in the moonlight.
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?
Show me your mussels!
Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.
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