My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
I loaf you.
What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.
What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist?
Because it needed a filling.
What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?
A jelly button.
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.
What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A baboom.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.
I started watching soccer because I could see it’s very relevant to my life.
Little to no goals.
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
What do you call it when a panda eats all of your tall grass?
Bamboozled!
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
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