The favorite fruit of all ghost's are Bloooooo-berries!
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a werewolf?
Terrier-fied!
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
Is there a bathroom in this tennis club? Because I’m about to drop a deuce.
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
What do you call a free treadmill?
The Great Outdoors.
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
What’s the difference between a fly and an eagle?
An eagle can fly but a fly cannot eagle.
What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
What birds like to write?
Penguins!
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
What does the Pope eat during Lent?
Holy mackerel.
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
Where did the milk write everything about her life? In her dairy.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position!
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
You are un-beer-lievable!
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
How many cans can a cannibal nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans?
As many cans as a cannibal can nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
What sport does a cat play? Hairball!
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? OUT of the way!!
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
Tigers are bad at basketball because they have only four feet.
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
Get in the swim this summer.
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