What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
Flamingos are pretty good at ideas… They have a lot of experience with formation.
What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
Don't even chai.
What do you call a large pile of cats? A meowntain!
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.
If you search for pictures of corn on Google you'll only get stalk pictures.
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
The target in soccer is to kick it where it counts.
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
What is suns favorite chocolate bar?
A milky way.
A crayon that looks like a strawberry is usually called a cranberry.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
The fungi turned down seconds at dinner because he never had mushroom.
What online search engine do spooky monsters use?
Ghoulghoul.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
What do you call someone who's obsessed with Christmas? Santa-mental.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.
What would you call a dream where a koala bear is eating you? A bite-mare.
Time to celery-brate.
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
Why don’t bats sleep like the rest of us?
They can't get the hang of it.
You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
What is a skeleton’s favorite TV show?
Bone-anza!
Puns make me numb, but math puns make me...
Number.
What do you call an electrically charged seal?
A seal ion.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
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