What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
Tigers are bad at basketball because they have only four feet.
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
Q: Why did the tiger cross the road?
A: To stop the zebra crossing.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
What is a car’s favourite movie character?
Aerial from The Little Mermaid.
What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.
How do you know when a potato is in a bad mood? When they are acting salty
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.
If volleyball were easy, they would call it football.
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
That alligator took great photos, he was a bit of a snapper.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a person who makes pots?
Harry Potter
What do zombies eat for dessert?
Eyes cream.
Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
Why did the ski instructor ask for a divorce?
He found out his wife is a real flake.
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
The painter loved to paint because he was drawn to art.
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
It’s raining cats and dogs today - I just hope it doesn’t rain deer!
I bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine's Day
She should have that vacuum up and running in no time.
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
Q: What did the sign for the party for beavers say?
A: Beaver or be square.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
Two ghosts were at a disco. One was having a fa-boo-lous time and the other wanted to boo-gie all night long!
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!
Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
‘I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!’
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
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