I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
What did Homer Simpson say when he saw a female deer?
“Doe!”
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.
How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?
Shepherds Pie
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
Did you hear about the gorilla with a screw loose?
He needed to use a money wrench to tighten it.
What is Bruce Lee’s favourite fruit? Wataaaaar melooooon?
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
I’m stuck on you like igloo.
Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.
I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
How do ghosts take their eggs? Terri-fried.
What tree makes fruit that tastes a lot like chicken? Poultree.
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
How do old witches get good bargains?
They hag-gle.
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
You’re my #1 pick.
Why did the parrot cross the road? Just beak-ause!
When I went to highschool in Italy my classmates were one year older than me.
I Skipped pasta grade.
Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.
How do bears keep their houses cool in summer?
Bear conditioning.
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
Have your elf a merry little Christmas.
I went on a date with a Chess World Champion the other night.
It took her about 10 minutes to pass the salt.
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
Irish you a whole pot of gold!
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.
The only time a basketball team can chase a baseball team is five after nine.
The paddy don’t start till I walk in.
What did the owl booty text his girlfriend?
I’ve been thinking about you owl night long.
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
What do you call someone who’s crazy about corn?
A corn-ivore!
Why don’t giraffes do drugs?
Because they’re naturally high.
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