Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?
A fibula.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
What do you call a freezing bear?
A brrrrrrr.
I hate spring cleaning.
Darn things bounce all over the place.
What do you call a small, two winged insect resembling a mosquito that likes to keep the peace?
A diplognat!
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
Better read than dead.
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people?
A cannibble.
Why did the strangers walk out onto the frozen pond?
Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.
What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"
A woman bought a rooster, wanting to hear it crow.
However, it turns out the rooster was mute, so she was out of cluck.
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