What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
Why don’t these children eat their soup? Because all of them is stew-pid.
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"
How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? Look for the grey hares.
Ever heard of Cawsmopolitan? It is one of the best magazines for crows.
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December.
There is a Santa clause.
Why are blood physicians so rich?
Because blood cells.
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
When the moisture from the sky stops falling
It really stops waning
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
What nature phenomenon is the funniest? A cyclown!
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
My dog recently joined a gang. Now he’s all about that pug-life.
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
I've got a really good vegetable pun.
I’d tell you but I’m worried you’d think it’s too corny.
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
What's a lion's favorite color?
ROARange
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
When does a turkey go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather.
What did the cow who barged the other cow say?
Moo-ve!
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
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