Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaved clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
You feta have a gouda birthday.
How does Italy execute its criminals?
Guidotine.
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!
How are a volleyball coach and a dentist similar? They both use drills.
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
I do wonder why my flamingo friends always do so well in tests and exams. After all, they always just wing it.
What is a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
What’s yellow and swings from cake to cake?
Tarzipan.
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
Your good seed for the day.
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
Why did the ski instructor ask for a divorce?
He found out his wife is a real flake.
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
What painting is terrible at ever being happy? The Moaning Lisa.
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
Hermit crabs’ house phones were always shell phones
My two pet crabs have very different personalities. One is always in a good mood, but the other can be a bit of a grump.
Their names are crabA and crabB
What did they Turkey say to the blade of grass? Nice knawing you!
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
What is the best period of a bee's relationship?
The honeymoon.
Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.
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