Humpty Dumpty had a great fall — hope you do too!
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?”
I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”
Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep. The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south. These sheep shouldn’t sleep in a shack; sheep should sleep in a shed.
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
Q: What do you do with unruly green kids?
A: Make them do limeout.
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!
What family does Maiasaur belong to? I don't think any families in our neighborhood have one!
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
Don't even chai.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
What do you call a dog who can fight?
A Boxer.
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
Where do you go to learn how to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?
Make them stub their toe.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
The only good pun is a dad pun
but who am I kidding?
Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back!
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
Sleigh queen, sleigh.
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi.
Say what you want about waiters, but I think they bring a lot to the table.
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
How do deer clean their feet?
Hoof paste.
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