History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.
People say nothing rhymes with orange. It seems very strange to me.
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
Let's play some scrabble, I just need to get the croc-a-tiles.
"That's all, yolks."
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
How does bread win over friends?
“You can crust me.”
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
What is suns favorite chocolate bar?
A milky way.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
The hotel said NO DOGS ALLOWED.
I guess it was a little too paw-sh.
Why did the dog go to the bank?
To make a de-paws-it. But unfortunately, there was a mastiff line.
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo? Bronco-saurus or a Tyrannasourus Tex
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
I whale always love you.
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
More candles means a bigger wish!
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
Where do folks from Bilbao, Spain buy outdoor equipment?
The Basque Pro Shop.
Do you know which the most favourite type of fruit of trees is? The pine – apple.
The hiker hated the top of the mountain because it was all downhill from there!
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
I love meat. I think going vegetarian would be a big missed steak.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
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