What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
How fast can a cave become vacant? At the drop of a bat.
My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.
Q: Did you hear about the cherry that liked to explode?
A: It was da’ bomb.
How were these puns about puns?
They were pun-questionably pun-fortunate!
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
I have no idea how to raise chickens.
I think I’ll just wing it.
Would Gretzky have changed his name in order to play in Mexico?
Yes, The Great Juan did what it takes.
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
How do ghosts take their eggs? Terri-fried.
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
Skiing is believing!
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
What did the patient say after that gave blood?
I feel drained.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
What has 80 teeth and 2 eyes ?
A crocodile.
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
I beacha miss summer already!
I stumbled into a room where everyone's ears were missing.
I know it sounds EARy, but it wasn't.
What is the hardest part about being a tree? You have so many limbs, but you still can’t walk.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!
I was gonna make a joke about Mediterranean food...
But hummus have missed the mark, and now I falafel.
What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A female squirrel.
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
While the blues musician performed his most famous song, balloons of every color were released in the arena. Guess we may get to call it the 'House of Hues'.
How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!
What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?
Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to open the door.
How many cans can a cannibal nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans?
As many cans as a cannibal can nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans.
What did Frankenstein say when he was struck by lightning?
Great! A jolt to the bolt!
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
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