What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
Beaver jokes
Can be pretty dam funny.
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
If the wooden face mask was popularized by Jacques Plante, was the wooden
cup made popular by Jock Plank?
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
Someone just stole some grass from my garden.
Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf.
How do you get down from a tree? You can’t because down comes from ducks.
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
It's a nice night for a white rice fight.
What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker
Hop In.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
What will you do when you will see a spaceman? You will simply park your car, man!
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.
The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.
Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.
A Zebra said to a Lion “Let’s swap roles for a while."
The Lion said “ I’m game!”.
My dog needed date ideas.
I told him to whine and dine her.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Which Finn is like a hotdog on the ice? Teemu Salami.
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."
My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak
A mycologist is the most ethical type of scientist. They follow morels closely.
McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm.
He's their CIEIO.
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
Q. How did the wedding between the stag and the doe begin?
A. Deerly beloved...
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
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