"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
I heard they’re remaking one of the Lord of the Rings movies, but everyone rides around on bicycles instead of horses.
They’re calling it The Two Tires
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
I’ve never lost a game of football basketball or volleyball!
Though I’ve never played a game either.
I heard that burglars used grass to pick a lock and gain entry to a local house, but the evidence may have been planted.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift.
Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.
Drinking tea while being too calm can kill you, did you know?
It's called a casual tea.
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
Why did the zombie comedian get booed off stage?
Because the jokes he told were rotten.
What did the upright bass say to the nervous guitar?
“You’re too high strung, don’t fret.”
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
What do you call a goat who paints pictures?
Vincent Van Goat.
Here’s more proof that I’ve gone off the deep end.
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
What do you call a pig that does a lot of charity work?
Philanthropig
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato
My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew off the shelves.
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
Why shouldn't you iron a four-leaf clover?
You don't want to press your luck!
The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? Tomato-saurus
A Zebra said to a Lion “Let’s swap roles for a while."
The Lion said “ I’m game!”.
Herb your enthusiasm.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
We all know that the New England Patriots have their soup in the Super Bowl.
Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditions it.
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
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