How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma
"You crack me up."
Why don’t orcas have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
Q. What's on display at the Canadian Moose Museum?
A. Mod deer 'n art.
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
What did the fish say when it swam into a brick wall?
Dam!
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
Which channels do the asteroids like to watch? The comet-y channel.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
The art teacher encourages her students to move in the light direction.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
It started raining coins outside today.
I guess it’s just climate change.
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
I love you deerly.
Which dinosaurs were the best policemen? Tricera-cops.
It’s raining cats and dogs outside.
I think I just stepped in a poodle.
The other day a tree asked for my help with kindling a grass route movement.
I said I wood because it's got a lot growing for it.
What is good at maths and related to a crocodile?
A calcu-gator
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
When a mountain falls sick, it tells the doctor that he's feeling really very, very hill.
What did the little piglet want from the swine?
A piggyback ride home.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
How do ponies react when the opposing team comes on the field?
They horse-boo.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
What does a vampire need for making breakfast in the morning?
Pancake batter.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
Ghosts are terrible liars because you can see right through them.
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
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