How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
What do jellyfish and a girl after prom night have in common?
They can't be deboned.
Why do horses make good lawyers?
Attention to de-tail.
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
Is that the Dog star? You can’t be Sirius!
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck...
It was a camel tow
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
What do you call a dad joke about skeletons?
A skele-pun!
“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
What’s Frankenstein’s favorite food?
Frankenfurters.
What do the guys at the ski repair shop eat their lunch on?
Baseplates.
People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.
I love you and I ain’t lion.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I’ve seen a whale blubber.
What do you call it when a panda eats all of your tall grass?
Bamboozled!
What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.
Q. What do you call gorillaS who just monkey around at the gym?
A. Buff-oons
Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.
They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.
What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
The soup that she cooks is so thick that the kitchen would go around when she stirs it.
What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.
How are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
What did hear about the two bats meeting?
It was love at first bite!
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