What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
We’re mint to be.
"Will you accept this rosé?"
What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!
My friend can't afford expensive art, she has no Monet.
Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
Which sea creature gives the best hugs?
A cuttlefish
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An ant-ique.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
I got arrested for the way I eat corn.
They charged me with a salt and buttery.
A beaver's experience in college deep-ends on if they go to the best university.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
What's grandma's favorite fruit?
a Ba-nana.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.
An ig is just a snow house without a loo!
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
Ireland you money, if you’ll pay me back.
Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs.
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
I couldn't chair less!
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
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