How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
I'm opening up an old folk's home in Tijuana.
Señor Citizens.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
Q: What do you call a weatherman who farts while he pees?
A. Rain with a little wind and thunder.
What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
Why are trees such great drivers? They always take the shortest root.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
Why was Mozart a child prodigy?
All his early pieces were in A sharp minor.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
Can anyone advise me what color my hair is?
I find it's a bit of a grey area.
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
It is not uncommon for elephants to start a stampede. Especially if they want to play for the Chargers.
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
Why was the big white tiger angry with his other Siberian tiger friend? Because he bleached him while grooming.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.
In what state is the Amazon River? It is in the liquid state.
Q: What do you call a windmill swallowed up by a tornado?
A: A wind meal
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
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