What do you call a 1 cent coin in Italy?
A penne.
Don't theater jokes always seem so staged?
Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner
What’s an alligator’s favorite dip?
Croc-amole.
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
What do you call a skeleton who rings the doorbell?
A dead ringer.
What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
I made a snap decision to watch football today
I violated grammar rules, so I got punished with the death sentence.
Death.
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
They say everything gets better with age.
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday
Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
Why did the mushroom need time off work? Because he was fried.
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
The bowl of soup you bought yesterday from the Chinese restaurant was souper terrible.
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
You’re my lucky charm.
One trick peony.
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
What did one frog say.to the other?
Time's sure fun when you're having flies.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
A trip to Ireland is quite a cliffhanger.
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
A crocodile tried to copy a rooster to wake his friends one morning, he went croc-a-doodle do.
What's the name of the machine the ancient greeks used to calculate how best to fight hybrid monsters?
The antichimera mechanism.
Did you hear about the farm dog who liked to strip ears of corn?
He was part husky!
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
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