If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
What do fruit wear when they go swimming? A one-peach bathing suit.
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
Love at frost sight!
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
I had a salad pun, but I tossed it
"Over-easy like Sunday morning."
Why did Billy make a bunch of snowmen to be his friends?
Because he wanted to hang with the cool kids!
How does the cell phone call his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? He gives her a ring.
What do you call a sarcastic mermaid?
A sigh-ren.
What do you call a werewolf who doesn't know he's a werewolf ?
Unawarewolf.
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
What did the cow who barged the other cow say?
Moo-ve!
How do you spot a deer behind you? With hind-sight!
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
Which hotel do mice most often use?
The Stilton.
I asked a beaver out on a date. The beaver replied: “Gnaw.” I said: “Dam.”
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
Why did the River need Jesus? It was dammed.
Why don’t tigers like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it!
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
How does bread win over friends?
“You can crust me.”
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
Hey summer, long time no sea!
I love making new friends.
That’s why I studied under Dr. Frankenstein.
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
Have you seen the gators on skateboards, they are great alli-skaters.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
What's the problem with Father's day?
It always falls on Son-day
The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
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