Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball?
He was a bat boy.
Seas the day.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone
What is a cat’s favorite type of water? Purr-ified!
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
There’s so much to do here so I’m never Bordeaux-ed.
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.
What did the woman say when she escaped Dracula’s clutches?
- Better luck necks time!
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
When the ghost went to a fancy restaurant, he decided to wear a boo-tie.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
I drank alot of alcohol at the airport last night.
I now have a terminal hangover.
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
I heard that a truck carrying Scrabble tiles has just overturned… Well, that’s the word on the street, anyway.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
My love for you simply radiates.
Do you comma here often?
How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
What do you call a nice tree that does not have any teeth? Sweetgums.
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
Who wears red and brings catnip to sleeping kittens? Santa Claws!
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
How do ponies react when the opposing team comes on the field?
They horse-boo.
The weather's getting colder, I really fancy some hot croc-o-late.
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