In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
Did you hear about the owl party?
It was a hoot.
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
Bro, are you a submarine?
Because you're so gnar.
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.
Beach you to it.
What plant do both Spaniards and French agree is the best?
Seaweed.
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
I was she-shocked when my pet turtle died.
Where does a snowman keep his money?
In a snow bank.
What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
What does an alligator do when he loses his tail?
It goes to a re-tail store.
Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
Because it wanted a light snack!
What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
I heard that burglars used grass to pick a lock and gain entry to a local house, but the evidence may have been planted.
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
Staying humble thanks to that fumble
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
What does a cat wear to stop smelling? Antipurrspirant!
When is an MLB ballpark the hottest?
After all the fans have left.
What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”
Who put the Howl in Halloween?
Not ghouls just the people they ate!
Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!
How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apoca-lips.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
Don’t give into beer pressure.
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