I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
What kind of cheese makes the best music?
Brieoncé.
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
We’re mint to be.
What did the swimming pool say to the skimmer?
Leaf me alone!
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
Nothing runs a pun like bad spelling, accept poor grammar's.
What is a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
Who wears red and brings catnip to sleeping kittens? Santa Claws!
I'm a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.
It’s-a-me, Malario.
I've been thinking of U periodically.
Let's play some scrabble, I just need to get the croc-a-tiles.
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite type of music?
R n’ Brie.
What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.
Your good weed for the day.
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
Don’t pass on this party – rush on over.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
I hate getting tide down in one place. So let's take an ad-van-ture.
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
Old gorillas never die, but they do go bananas.
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.
Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
Have you ever wondered why gulls are known as seagulls? It is because they are by the sea. Had they been by the bay, they would have been called bagels.
What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!
My dog ate my computer science homework.
It took him a couple of bytes.
Which frog has horns?
A bull frog.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy,
but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
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