Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
What is the difference between a ball hog and time?
Time passes.
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.
When the chef asked me how I would like my soup, I said "I would like minestrone".
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.
What does a horse call its treats?
My greatest preakness.
Where do the cool horses live?
In rad-docks.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
What did the sushi say to the bee?
"Wasabee?"
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
How to tell a car it has gained weight?
‘You have got Fiat.’
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
What do you call someone with Yellow hair on the beach?
A beach blond.
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
What do you get when you cross Ice, chocolate, a big strawberry, a giant pineapple, and cold milk? The worlds best Sundae!
What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
What do you call a free treadmill?
The Great Outdoors.
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."
Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.
I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
I would love climbing to the peak of Mount Everest, but I do not see the point.
Why did the run-on sentence think it was pregnant? Its period was late.
From the b-autumn of my heart, I love fall!
Computers can be very good at golf because of their hard drives.
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
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