What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
The thing about milk-inspired puns is you only reach 2% of their potential.
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
Did you know that unicorns live in New York City? I swear why do you think their called uNYCorns?
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
The doctor told me I probably won’t be able to walk again after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck.
I was crushed by the news.
My bank is really proud of me.
According to them, I have an outstanding balance!
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
A strawberry usually needs batteries when it runs out of juice.
What do you call a baby potato? Tater tots!
Why shouldn’t you drive with a vampire?
He will drive you batty.
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
"You might not carrot all, but you're irresistible."
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”
Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
What do you call a beaver with a bad attitude who acts lazy? A beaver that doesn’t give a dam.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
When you cross summer sun with summer pun you get summer fun.
How do blondes define hydrophobic on their school tests? A fear of utility bills.
What did the ghost knights say to the cloud king?
Our souls will rain forever.
Have your elf a merry little Christmas.
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.
Who is Medusa’s cheesy cousin?
Gorgon Zola
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
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