The game of golf is 90-percent mental…
And 10-percent mental.
Have you ever tried pineapple milk? Do you know where it comes from? Obviously from the pine – nipples!
What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
You get as far away as possible.
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.
The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.
What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away?
Now wait just a doggone minute.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.
What did the pun mom say to the new pun dad?
We have a pun in the oven!
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
How can you tell you’re in a pig wine bar? Because everything’s swine.
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
Pumpkin Spice season is finally here, better latte than never.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling
Broken pencils are pointless.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.
Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.
Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.
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