I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
What should you double check when buying an electric car?
That your driving license is current.
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
I heard someone broke out of prison using a sheep
I didn’t believe it until I saw the news and he was on the lamb.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice
It was cold hard cash.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
Why did the sapling jump in the ocean? He wanted to swim with the manatrees.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
How does a chicken mail a letter to her friend?
In a HEN-velope!
Who is a polar bear’s favorite musician?
Seal.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
How do you catch a squirrel who's interested in ornithology?
Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch.
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
A company from Israel took over the Greek national cheese factory in Greece
Now it's called the Cheeses of Nazareth.
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
A magician wearing a rainbow colored coat is called Hue-dini.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
To go with the floe!
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!
What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
Why Did the Milkman Get Fired?
He was skimming off the top.
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa? A Christmas Quacker.
Why are there fish at the bottom of the sea?
Because they dropped out of school.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.
You just have to have cell coverage.
Deep sea diving is so dangerous.
I just can’t fathom it.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
The only difference between time and a ball hog is that the former passes.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal?
- Bone Appetit!
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
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