What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn
What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.
I've always liked Buffalo Springfield....
....For What it's Worth.
Is it true that a dinosaur won't attack if you hold a tree branch? That depends on how fast you carry it!
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
Please excuse my resting beach face.
So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
I’ll be there in a pinch.
My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed
They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
"Giving you more reasons to wine."
How far can a mango,
If he's got a license but doesn't avocado ?
A french farmer who owned an olive plantation had a huge fire
He was extremely sad, he had lost his all his huile d'olive.
She sold six shabby sheared sheep on ship.
Why don't crabs give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
Why can you never use a serve receive pattern against a sniper? They’d all start running for cover.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he just didn't have an ear for music.
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
Our flamingo colleague was leaving for a new job recently. We all told him to flamingo for it.
I had a nasty crash with a truck carrying construction equipment the other day. It really hit me like a ton of bricks.
I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but I was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.
I must have phoned Dial-a-Llama by mistake.
What is the deer’s favorite food group?
“Deer-y products!”
The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman.
What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
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