I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.
A drum rolled down a hill.
Ba-dum tsssh!
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
How do you make a dinosaur float? Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur.
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
We have a great connection since you’re wifi-material.
Why couldn’t the oak tree make friends? All of the other trees thought that he was a bit shady.
What type of pool do mechanics like best?
The car pool!
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
What are the favorite video games for basketball players? Shooting stars.
What do you call an ogre in an accident?
A car Shrek.
Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
The baby strawberries were berry upset when they heard that both their parents were in the jam.
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
What did they call Dracula after his team won the big game?
The Champire.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
I mustache you a question..
but I'll shave it for later.
I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
Why did the gnome visit his mother?
To get a gnome-cooked meal.
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
What do you get if you cross a baseball pitcher and a carpet?
A throw rug.
Let’s shell-ebrate good times and tan lines.
How was the lepre-con caught?
By an under-clover police officer!
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
What soup killed Rob Stark? Italian Wedding Massacre.
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw? Because they don't know how to cook it.
Cherries are the worst soft fruits to watch scary movies with. They spend the whole time hiding behind a cushion as they are cherrified.
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
What’s the one book all piglets read in grade school? A Series of Un-porcine-ite Events.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
What's a ghost with a broken leg called? A hoblin goblin.
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
What do we call a plumb pineapple? It is called a pineapple chunk!
What is an astronaut's favorite candy bar?
Milky way.
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