My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.
What do you call a werewolf that's found the cure for lycanthropy?
A lycan'tthrope.
What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
There are two reasons why you should never drink toilet water.
Number one. And number two.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.
What do you call it when you get mugged on the vernal equinox?
The first robbin’ of spring!
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!
If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?
How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
We were mermaid for each other.
What do you get when you cross a human and a pear?
A pear-son.
What do gnomes use to guard their mazes?
Minitaurs.
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
What did the deer say after she saw her Amazon bill?
“I spent too much doe!”
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
What kind of dog sniffs out flowers?
A bud hound.
What do you call an overweight alien?
An extra cholesterol.
Why didn’t the skull go to the dentist?
It was too-th late.
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
Winter is un-brr-lieveable!
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
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