Octopus ocular optics.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.
What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? Try Sara's Tops
Why are Ghosts in such good shape? Plenty of exorcise and a good die-t.
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
Which city in France is the nicest?
Nice.
I’m never board when I’m at the pool.
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.
Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
All you need is a little vitamin sea.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
What do you call a baby potato? Small fry.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was trying to fetch a boomerang
Practice safe text: use commas.
When does a sloth go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
Did you hear about the kangaroo with glasses?
He had to go to the hopthalmologist.
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.
What did the ghost who crashed the Halloween party say? - I’m here for the boos!
What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.
What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
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